HEY JERKWAD
by Peregrine Williams
Summary: Short Romano vs Prussia fight requested by Captain Universe. No pairings. Complete gong show. High School AU. I don't even.


((Captain Universe requested that I fanfic this scene (Captain Universe requested that I fanfic this scene (pompocky. (dot)tumblr(dot)com/post/17784596443). Do you know how hard it is to write a Romano vs Prussia fight without actually swearing? VERY HARD. Anyways this is a complete gong show with no pairings and I'm sorry.))

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><p>"HEY JERKWAD."<p>

Gilbert turned, hitching his backpack a bit higher and snorting in disgust. It was that loudmouth Italian, Feli's brother or whatever. "What do you want, tomato freak?"

The annoying little brunette was marching up to him like he owned the place instead of being the whiny coward he knew he was. Just like his brother but with a freaking huge dash of impertinence and arrogance. He and Gil had that much in common, at least.

His loud voice inevitably turned a few heads in the courtyard, including Gil's best friends, Toni and Francis, who he had been walking with, as well as his aforementioned brother Luddy and the rest of the members of the Three Stooges.

Predictably, Toni pushed past him and ran at the little jerk, arms wide, gleefully shouting "Lovi!~"

Ah right. That was the kid's name.

Equally as predictably, Lovino dealt the Spaniard one in the gut and kept going, shouting a few curses behind him for good measure.

Gilbert gritted his teeth and waited for whatever onslaught the Italian had prepared, wondering what particular beef he had with him. Gilbert didn't know him that well, as he was a year below him, but he already didn't like him very much due to his abusive tendencies despite how much of a weakling he was, along with the amount of punishment he unloaded on Antonio. He would admit that he deserved a lot of it, but seeing one of his best friends getting beat up constantly by this little pansy with no resistance had really started to grate on his tolerance.

"Keep your stupid kraut ideas away from my family you potato-eating morons!" he snapped, getting so close that their chests touched and he caught an especially strong whiff of garlic breath.

Gilbert gave him a hard shove back. "Get out of my face, flea," he stood a bit straighter. "I don't even know what you're talking about."

"Him!" Lovino spat, jabbing an accusatory finger across the courtyard to where their little brothers stood with their Japanese friend. The other Italian immediately leapt behind the tall blond, to which Lovino flushed even redder with anger. "Your stupid hulking neat-freak manipulative moronic potato spawn. Keep _him_ away from my brother!"

Gilbert took a step forward and seized him by his collar, hoisting him a few inches off the ground. "What did you call my brother, you ignorant wuss?"

"You heard me, you brainless loser!"

"Lovi! No!~" Antonio picked himself up, flailing his arms in various 'stop' signals. He ran up and attempted to grab the Italian around the waist and pull him away, but he swung him out of reach.

Lovino's eyes widened as Gilbert held him a bit further away from him and pulled his free arm back behind him to make a fist. He simultaneously struggled and braced himself for impact. Oh, so _now_ he was trying to reach for Toni. Little arrogant cowardly-

"Bruder."

His arm was caught and pulled back just as Antonio was able to get a hold of the Italian. Both of them were grasped at awkwardly as they struggled to get back at the other.

"Luddy _verdammt_! Let me go!" he fumed. His little brother just _had_ to be taller and stronger than him. "You heard what he said about you! I-"

"It doesn't matter bruder. You will hurt him, and be suspended."

"Of course it matters! I can't just-"

"What kind of freak did your mom have to bed to get a deformed loser like you and a giant pr-"

Antonio clapped a hand over Lovino's mouth with an expression of utter shock.

"SAY THAT AGAIN," Gilbert roared.

The Spaniard winced as his hand was bitten, but held fast, trying to drag him away from the conflict. Feliciano hurried over as well and joined the attempt to placate him with 'hug therapy'.

"Fratello noooo.~ I like Ludwig he's actually really really nice and smart and helps me with my homework and-"

Lovino managed to pull the hand away from his mouth. "Shut it! He's messing your useless mind! He's just using you!"

"You don't know anything, you thick-headed shrimp! Luddy would never-"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP," Ludwig silenced his brother with a tight headlock.

"Don't tell me what to do you-"

Antonio clapped his other hand over Lovino's mouth, and the courtyard wet mercifully quiet.

"Excuse me, Lovino-sempai," the Japanese kid bowed to the still struggling Italian. "I believe you are mistaken. I can confirm that Ludwig-kun has no ulterior motive for befriending your brother."

Antonio tentatively removed his hand. "Well obviously you're in on it too you little Goth weirdo! You three, hanging out every freaking day and drawing up plans for some kind of school-wide takeover or something! My brother's an idiot! Of course he'd help you! He's easy to use cannon-fodder in whatever sick scheme you're making up! Keep away from him! Only _I_ can take advantage of him like that!"

The tall German shut his eyes and rubbed his temple as Lovino's rant carried on and Gilbert struggled harder in his grasp. "Feliciano, go get… you know who."

The much more agreeable Italian's worried expression turned immediately into a wide grin. "Yes sir!" he saluted and ran off.

Ludwig nodded to Antonio and they both released their captives the moment a brunette senior girl marched through the courtyard doors, Feliciano in tow. She swung her book bag threateningly.

"GIIIIIILBERT."

"Ohh what now? Gonna get your sissy girlfriend to fight your battles for you?"

"OH SH-"

…

Neither of them remember much after that.


End file.
